please forgive me for the cheesy dialogue and campy ideas and for any mistakes within my fanfiction plus my fanfic's kinda ends in the middle due to too many words. ; )
Prologue
space .Distant moons hover beyond the planets. Suddenly cutting through the galaxy as a Starfleet ship is united with an outfitted star base (starbase Montgomery
(The interior of the bridge of the u.s.s Aries) The captain Mulligan is seated in the centre chair .
(Interior of command centre of the star base) star fleet communications officer begins to warn the space dock commander
Star fleet communications officer: commander we have an unknown starship incoming.
Space dock commander: alert the u.s.s Aries.
Starfleet officer: captain Mulligan an unknown starship is incoming fast from the rear.
Starship officer: captain we’re also picking up several transmissions from other ships converging on this location.
Captain Mulligan: what kind of ships?
Starship officer: the transmissions are from Klingon war birds, no wait I’m picking up Borg frequencies.
Captain Mulligan: so what is it klingons or the Borg?
Starship officer: both sir and also Romulans, the Ferengi, the Cardassians even Vulcan captain their all here.
Captain Mulligan: what in the world is going on?
Starship officer: captain we’re being hailed.
Captain Mulligan: on screen
On screen a mans face is partly covered by a dark shadow due to dim lighted starship.
Captain Mulligan: captain, I order you, no demand you explain the situation? Captain?!
Captain Mulligan: what is the meaning of this!
Stranger continued to stare at the captain then suddenly the stranger raises two fingers to his lips and hushes the captain. “shhhhhhh”.
“Shut up! and watch” the stranger yelled in a smug tone towards the screen. The stranger clicks his fingers and as sound echoes through out his starship.
One by one all of the star crafts surrounding the starship Aries were spontaneously exploding, fire, lights and star craft debree hurdled through space. The screams and cries of each of the star crafts were haunting.
Quivering the Captain mulligan pulls what’s left of himself together and directs his attention at the screen.
“Who are you?” he said with sweat perspiring from his brow.
The stranger stands from his chair slowly strides towards the screen and from the shadowed confines of the starship rose a mildly bold man in his late thirties. stranger stares into screen.
His mouth opened and from his lips commenced the stranger’s name.
“Jean, Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise
(Title sequence)
Star trek
The next generation
Chapter 1
Solid darkness engulfs surviving whispers, voices of two mid aged men.
Voice 1: Captain, you sure you know what you’re doing?”
Voice 2: Of course. We’re exploring new worlds
Voice 1: haha yes sir.
Voice 2: hush its starting.
the Gorn high chief demands the presence of two intruders who infiltrated their colony.
standing on a sacred dusty red column with rags hanging around the outer border. The high chief Gorn stood in between the Gorn high priest and two large reptilian/insect creature thingy.
Gorn high chief: bring them to me, bring me the in-tru-ders.
staidly making their way into the battle arena are two large men with filthy robes with hoodies cloaking thier faces.
two Gorn guards follow in beside them leading the two prisoners before the Gorn high chief.
Gorn high chief: behold your in-tru-ders!
Gorn high chief: did you dreally think you could enter my col-on-y, my home and steal from me, from me!! hahahahahaha!
alien rebel crowd begins to laugh.
Gorn high chief: silence! dreveal your selves to me so that i may inflict unquestionable justice upon prisoner. deliver on to me your birth name.
voice 1: Commander William Riker
Gorn high chief: and you?.......
Voice 2: Captain....Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Federation Star ship U.S.S Enterprise.
Gorn high chief: spare me your titles Captain your loyal federation will never find you Captain .....
Jean-Luc Picard: that is where you are wrong.
Gorn high chief: no! you are wrong! my colony is cloaked in all level frequencies, no star ship has ever been able to locate this ficitrated, Raguul rebel colony....
Captain Jean-Luc Picard smiles: i did.
Gorn high chief grunts: death by Krothaic is the Punishment for those who challenge the high chief.
Commander William Riker: um Captain, whats a Krothaic?
( monstrous roar) rrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghghghghg!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: I'm not absolutely sure but I once heard of one destroying a star feet outpost down in planet Kiron other then that I’m pretty sure were about to find out.
They both turn around in one direction to discover a dark tunnel with guards pulling on chains connected to the hidden creature and also baring electric spears, commanding the beast.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: well, I think we can handle this...
One of the Guards is suddenly ruthlessly thrown across the arena.
Commander William Riker: right...sir maybe its time to um to go sir.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: maybe you’re right, call it in.
Bcraaaaaaaahhhh! The creature roared as guards began torturing and forcing into the arena.
Captain Picard brooded and looked around the arena from the creature to the Gorn high chief .
its too frekin long stupid.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't really know much about Star Trek, so I can't really comment on the plot... But I liked your use of dialogue, and that you wrote in a kind of script-format, because it kind of broke the sections up, and made it a bit easier to read. It's very well written, though.
ReplyDeleteIts not stupid but it is at least twice the word limit. It also seems like you have two different stories here? (or is it a really long prologue before the actual story)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading the first part, before Chapter 1 - you have a great storyline, vivd descriptions and had a nice build up to what I thought was the cliff hanger with Jean-Luc Picard revealing himself. Its just when Chapter 1 commences where I get confused - is this where your fanfic begins?
Although I have next to no knowledge whatsoever with all things Star Trek,this was an enjoyable read and there are a few minor spelling errors but overall great work (:
it was supposed to be alot more longer but due to the fact i had too many words its kind off a story that doesn't make any real scenes
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